


Truly Madly Deeply (Sleep Deprived)

by Rootcx



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Insomnia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-02-09 23:23:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18648217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rootcx/pseuds/Rootcx
Summary: Regina develops insomnia and with it an addiction to alcohol. An incident puts it all in the open. Henry tries to help his mother, but the person that truly make a difference is Emma.





	1. Liability

**Author's Note:**

> No SwanQueen in this chapter will probably be in the next one. 
> 
> Read the tags!! Lov e youu

The sleepless nights seemed to come out of nowhere. Without warning, Regina found herself spending her evenings staring up at the ceiling, cursing herself for not being able to do what she was programmed to do since her first day on earth. 

The first week was one of confusion. Trying every trick in the book, desperate to find something that could work. 

At best she was lucky to get three hours of sleep a night, the rest spent rubbing her stinging eyes in frustration. 

After a week had passed Regina really started to feel the effects of her sleep deprivation. Running mostly on coffee and the few hours of shut-eye she got each night, she felt herself change. 

~~~~

“Mom? Mom!” Regina jerked in her seat, eyes quickly focusing on the figure before her.  
“What’s going on? You seem a bit off lately.” Henry looked down at the brunette, his brows drawn together in concern. 

Regina felt her mind defog at the sight of her son’s worried gaze. Sitting up straighter she did her best to meet the young man’s eye contact. He stood on the other side of her desk, arms loosely crossed over his chest. Smiling softly, trying extra hard to look like she hadn’t just zoned out for how long she didn’t know, Regina responded. “Don’t worry about me, Henry. I’m just having a bit of a weird week.” At the end of her sentence, the Mayor found herself stifling a yawn, quickly moving her coffee mug before her mouth. “Now what was it that you wanted?” Regina smiled, moving the conversation along. 

“Just to remind you about tonight.” He paused seeing no recollection on his mothers face. “You know, we’re celebrating Neal’s first birthday down at Granny’s.” Tilting his head just an inch, Regina still felt his brown eyes burrowing into her. 

“Yes, yes I remember” This was an out and out lie, of course, she had totally forgotten about little Neal’s party, but she wasn't about to say that to Henry now. “I will be there.” Trying to wrap up this conversation as quickly as possible, Regina went to hug her son goodbye. 

“Mom are- are you sure you’re okay? You’ve seemed really tired lately, we’ve all noticed it. If you could just tell me we-” Henry didn’t get the opportunity to finish his offerings of help as Regina stiffened in their hug and a second later pushing him away. 

“You’ve all noticed huh!? That I’m tired? Yeah, I’m fucking tired, no need to point it out.” Regina ended her sentence with a growl, venom spitting from her lips. 

But as fast as the anger had come, did it go. Guilt flooded the Mayor's chest as she looked up at Henry’s wounded expression. He took a step back, holding his hands up at his sides in defeat. “I was just trying to help.” He said with calmly. 

Regina’s shoulders sank. “I know, I know honey. I’m really sorry I snapped at you like that.” Reaching out and moving to touch her son’s arm in a way that she hoped was soothing, Regina sighed and smiled, the smile meaning to be reassuring but ended up just tired.  
“As I said, I’ve had a weird week.” Henry nodded defeatedly, turning on his heal and walking out of the door. 

~~~~

Almost a month later nothing had changed. Every night she would go to bed, with only the hope that this was the night she would finally get a good nights sleep, or at least four hours without waking up every forty-five minutes. Every night she would stare at her ceiling for aeons, eyelids heavy, brain short-circuiting and a heavy chest moving up and down as impatient breaths escaped her nose. 

Most night’s she’d give up, climbing out of bed, walking barefooted through the halls down to the kitchen. So far five wine bottles had been emptied in the last month in yet another attempt to sleep. Giving up on trying to conceal anything, she had started to leave them wherever she had finished them. Two were left by the bed, one lay in the sofa, another on the counter. The last one lay on the floor by the fireplace, she hadn’t bothered to move them. She didn’t let anyone in the house anymore any way. No one would see.

In search of a new bottle of liquor, her bare feet patted down the stone steps down to the wine cellar. The cold crawled up her legs, out to her fingertips and all the way to the top of her head. She should have been freezing, but all she could feel was numb. 

Maine is cold in February, seeing her breaths coming out in white puffs of smoke was no surprise as she entered the underground chamber. In her thin baby blue pyjamas, you would expect Regina to be hugging her arms close to her chest for what little warmth she could possibly obtain, instead, with a blank stare ahead, the brunette made no effort to keep warm. 

Moving forward into the darkroom, scanning the shelves for another bottle to open.  
Goosebumps breaking out all over her quivering body by the time a bottle of spirits was pulled from the shelves. 

Not bothering to wait until she had hade it back up the stairs, Regina screwed off the cork and took a long swing of the yellowish liquor. Wincing slightly at the bitter taste she took another one. By the third hit, her eyes were watering, obscuring her vision. Regina lowered herself down, her left side leaning against the shelves, legs in full contact with the frigid floor. 

Even though her eyes were full of tears and it felt like her stomach was starting to object to the alcohol she was mercifully hosing down her throat every so often, Regina had no intentions on stopping anytime soon. Instead of her chest feeling like it was being weighed down by half a kilo of stones her entire insides now felt warm and hot. Her chest didn’t feel like it was weighed down when she had been drinking for a while, it was freeing. 

The thing that she had looked forward to the most was yet to come.  
Regina's eyes drooped shut as the yellowish-brown liquid slowed at the halfway point of the bottle. The sound of glass hitting concrete was the last thing the drunk woman heard as she fell into unconsciousness. 

~~~~

“Regina! Regina c’mon please wake up.” The brunette felt a pair of hands roughly shaking her awake. Grunting, instantly overwhelmed by a mixture of feeling nauseous and dizzy, her weak limbs feeling wobbly as Regina tried to push herself up. 

Moving her head towards the voice that had woken her, Mary Margeret came into view for a split second before Regina felt herself hurling her guts out on the concrete floor. As she breathed in and out in alarm she breaks into a cold sweat. Her panicked mind tries to remember anything of last night but to no avail. She can’t even remember going down to the cellar in the first place. Her stomach makes one more attempt to rid itself of what’s left before it allows her to breathe. 

“Shh shh it's okay, let it all out.” A hand moves in circular motions over her back as Regina coughs. 

As her breathing evens out Regina hears Mary Margeret yall out to someone, a moment later she can hear footsteps rushing down the stairs. She is met by the shocked expressions of both her son and his granddad. David just stands there but Henry rushes forward, not caring about the state his mother is in. Nor does he seem to care about the smell. David, however, cares though he tries to hide it. He’s sent up to get some water by his wife. 

“Mom.” Henry breathes out, taking a hold of her arm. 

It takes Regina this long to actually ask herself why they’re all here, in her house, in her wine cellar. 

Steadying herself, Regina prepares to speak, but what comes out is a raspy voice not like her own. “What’s going on?” Just as the question was asked David comes back with a glass of water and a bucket and shovel. He starts to scoop up the puke. Regina sees that he would rather be doing anything else. 

“I decided to check on you but I couldn't find you anywhere. I didn’t even know this house had a wine cellar, you hid it really well. When I couldn’t find you on my own I decided to call grandma and grandpa for help. Mary Margeret was the one who found the cellar while we cleaned up the bottles.” Henry sighed, tilting his head in an attempt to catch his mother's eye. 

Regina chuckled dryly, standing up on shaky legs. “This is embarrassing.” Was all she could string together. Making her way to the door she has to have both her son and Mary Margeret supporting her.


	2. Liquor and coal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Regina!” A harsh yell came from the other side of the front door made Regina jump. A cold shiver ran through the brunettes limp body. “Regina please open up. I need to make sure you’re okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind you I have no first-hand experience with alcohol abuse or alcohol poisoning. I just researched a bit and took what information I could find 
> 
> Stay safe loveliesss

After the incident in the cellar, Henry had forced her to weekly sessions with Dr Hopper which she had been most reluctant to. The thing that also happened under the stubborn watch of her son was an appointment with Dr Whale. The hour-long meeting ended with a prescription for a sleeping medication neither of them had ever heard of. 

Regina had hesitated to even accept the piece of paper. She’d only ever taken the occasional aspirin let alone a prescription drug, but Henry was not taking a no for an answer. 

Regina could tell that the scene in the wine cellar had scared him, even if he refused to admit it. But she knew that what he was doing was for her own good, and knowing that this would make Henry less scared made it easier to accept. 

~~~~ 

As the days turned into weeks, Regina felt the new hope that had sprouted, was slowly dying with every night that came and went. After receiving help and some clarity as to why this was happening to her, a bit of optimism had grown, just for a bit. 

More nights than most she would wake up multiple times in the middle of the night, her jagged sleep patterns weighing down on her. The few good nights would come every so often when sleep was granted to her without much suffering. These nights would fill her with the false hope that the sleeping pills had started working meaning that the hell she had been living was over. The relief was always short lived. 

The weight in her chest got heavier with each passing moment. A weight that she had felt after her first love had been taken from her. A weight that ached at times, as if her heart was filled by the void itself, making her feel cold and alone. Only momentarily numbed by the alcohol. Regina would still drink herself to sleep those nights when being awake was too painful to bear. 

More careful than before Regina would hide the empty bottles under her bed. Also knowing that Henry would visit her throughout her day she would always try to hide the evidence of her sleep deprivation and the pressure in her chest. Smiling and laughing, Regina did her best to act as normal as she could master, even telling everyone who asked that the sleeping pills had worked, knowing that if she told them the truth Henry would once again drag her to Dr Whale’s office. 

Lying came easily to Regina. It hadn’t always come so smoothly, but with time Regina had learnt the art of covering up the truth. As she sat in Dr Hopper’s sofa she told him that she hadn’t had a drink in a week and a half which he congratulated her for. When asked by Mary Margeret she had specified that the pill started working around an hour after ingesting it. Henry asked every day when she had fallen asleep the previous evening Regina would swiftly lie and tell him that she had fallen asleep before midnight. 

All of this came very easily, lying to keep people happy and content was one of her talents she thought. She was keeping them from knowing the suffering she felt, and that surely was a good thing. 

Everyone seemed to eat up her lies. Everyone except for one, Emma. The blonde did not smile in relief when Regina told her how much better she was doing. She did not sigh in contentment when the brunette had said that the sessions with Dr Hopper were bringing her some clarity. 

Ms Swan still seemed as puzzled and worried as she had when Henry told her about how they had found Regina in the cellar. With a furrowed brow and a tight smile, Emma seemed like she wanted to say something, reach out a friendly hand perhaps. But she kept quiet, maybe thinking that if Regina wanted to confess anything to her she would. 

Before all of this, Emma had become as of late Regina’s, dare she say, closest friend. If not counting Mary Margeret and her own son, Emma was someone that believed in her unconditionally. Their friendship might’ve been a rocky one, for many years, but it had grown, the roots of their relationship steady in the ground. 

But Regina would now evert her gaze and tense her shoulders under Emma’s troubled gaze. She could feel her behaviour once again putting a sort of strain on their encounters. The brunette felt herself avoiding her friend, one motive for this being protecting herself and her secrets of booze and depressive symptoms, but also protecting Emma and their friendship. 

~~~~

Moving quickly along the mostly empty street, an exhausted Regina walked in the direction of her house. Clutching tightly in her hand a heavy plastic bag, swinging by her side. She could hear from just up ahead that Granny’s was still bustling with people. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary seeing people there at all hours, at least not now that it’s finally getting a bit warmer, April almost turning into May. 

Averting her gaze and quickening her step Regina hurried past the diner, hoping that no one whom she was close to had noticed her. Still, with her head down and shoulders tense, Regina made it to the next crossing before she froze in her step. 

“Regina.” The brunette immediately recognized the voice. A tiny part of her debated whether or not to make a run for it. Instead, she halted, quickly putting on the face of surprise instead of anxiety. 

Emma must have been waiting for an opportunity to talk to the brunette alone, seeing how she had neglected to do so for so long. Or maybe she had tired of Regina taking the first step and was trying out another approach. Whatever the blonde was thinking she didn’t seem to be backing down.

 

“Hi, Emma. What are you doing at Granny’s this late?” A shallow question asked in a stream panic. Her usual calm and collected facade which could effortlessly put on other days was now failing her. 

Emma took a step forward and without thinking, Regina took a hurried step back. “I just wanted to speak to you. You haven’t been yourself in a while.” Regina took another panicked step back, now standing in the middle of the road. As she moved there come a set of clinking noises from Regina’s plastic bag. Seeing the recognition in Emma’s eyes Regina attempted to hide the bag behind her. 

“I thought you stopped.” It was not said as a question, more of a statement. 

“I- I have. I did.” Fumbling for an excuse that does not exist, Regina felt tears well up in the corner of her eyes. She did not know why tears had started to trickle down her cheeks, nor did she bother to dwell on it, not here and certainly not now that Emma was looking at her with concealed pity written all over her face. 

Regina turned on her heal, running down the deserted street, leaving Emma to call out her name under the dim streetlamps. 

~~~~

Collapsing on her porch, heavy sobs started to escape her lips. Laying her forehead down on the pavement as her spine curled inwards her loud cries pierced the calm spring air. 

The aching in her chest was becoming almost unbearable, her thoughts racing in her spinning head. Her lies were going to unfold, Emma would certainly disclose their encounter to someone. Sooner than later Henry would also know. Regina for a split second could see her son's disappointed face at learning that his mother had lied to him for weeks. 

The image to painful to bear Regina slammed her forehead down on the stone porch, trying to force the thought out of her head. Her sobs got louder as she found herself raising her head off the cold stone step and slamming it down again with such force that the pain in her forehead made it impossible to string together a single thought.  
Closing her eyes and trying to control her breathing Regina sat up, leaning her shoulder on the white pillar behind her. 

As the minutes ticked by and the throbbing pain in her head started to lessen Regina remembered the bottles she had bought earlier. Desperate to numb the pain in her chest and to stop the thoughts running wild in her head, Regina carefully stood up, pausing for a second to wait for her head stop spinning. Picking up the bag that she had thrown aside she unlocked the door. 

When inside Regina shimmied off her coat and kicked off her shoes, leaving them neglected in the hallway. 

Setting the bag on the kitchen counter she removed one of the bottles from the the bag, not bothering too read what it was. With the pain in her forehead still very prominent, opening the bottle took a little more effort than Regina had hoped. Hands sweaty and not cooperating it took several tries for the black cap to come off. 

Letting out a sigh of relief Regina took several deep chugs before the burning in her thought became too much. The brunette could almost feel the warm liquid travelling down her intestines to her stomach. Her empty stomach. Had she eaten today? The question not resulting in a recollection of any meals.  
Not bothering to entertain the topic any further Regina took a long swing of the booze in her hand. 

~~~~

Some time passed, Regina had moved from the kitchen to the living room where she had collapsed on the rug before the fireplace. Another bottle was opened at some point, the name already forgotten.

Her house was dead silent. Quiet and still. The only sound was the liquor swirling around in the transparent bottle, the loud shugs as she hosed down more of her prefered poison into her system and Reginas breathing. She breathed slow, almost not breathing at all. 

Glancing down at the shaky hand loosely gripping the clear container her eyebrows furrowed. Her skin looked pale. Some little part in the back of her brain raised alarm bells, flashing red. Alarm bells that her hazy brain promptly decided to ignore. 

Shivering, Regina dreamily looked at the dark fireplace, imagining a warm roaring fire instead of the dry coal dust coating the bricks. 

“Regina!” A harsh yell came from the other side of the front door made Regina jump. A cold shiver ran through the brunettes limp body. “Regina please open up. I need to make sure you’re okay.” 

Emma. Of course, it’s Emma. A new wave of panic made its way through Regina. She couldn’t come in. She couldn’t see her this way, drunk beyond measure, lying on the livingroom floor. 

“Emma- I’m fine… You don’t have to come in.” Her voice sounded weak, not at all reassuring like she had been aiming for. 

After just a few seconds of silence, Emma’s voice was once again heard from outside the door. “Regina I don’t believe you. I’m coming in.” And with that Regina heard the front door creak open, the brunette cursing herself for forgetting to lock the front door when she had returned. 

“Omg.” Was all the blonde could say the second her eyes landed on her friend. Rushing forward she threw herself down on her knees beside Regina. Placing two fingers on the brunette's wrist her eyes widened even more. “Your pulse is irregular, so is your breathing, and,” Her eyes quickly flickering to the two nearly empty bottles beside the brunette, before returning her panicked gaze to Regina’s face. “your pale, almost blue.” Now placing her hands on either side of Regina's face, with desperation in her voice, not wanting it to be true Emma almost yelled at Regina. “How much did you have to drink?” 

Regina wouldn’t answer because as soon as she comprehended the question she could feel her stomach violently convulsing. The next thing she knew she was heaving out what felt like her entire stomach. A mixture of liquor, water and gastric fluid was pouring onto the carpet. 

“Oh god, oh god, oh god I knew I should’ve come sooner.” Emma’s panicked voice penetrated her muffled hearing. Pushing herself up she felt exhausted. Part of her saw Emma pulling out her phone from her leather jacket pocket and quickly calling 911. “The Mayor’s mansion please you need to hurry! Regina is barely responsive I think it’s alcohol poisoning, please hurry omg I-”

Emma’s voice seemed to fade out as Regina pushed herself up. Segina blinked as the corners of her eyes started to darken. 

Warm hands held her up, one on her cheek, the other around her waist. “No no no c’mon stay with me. Regina, please stay with me, the ambulance is on its way please don’t go I still have to tell you I -” 

Regina never got to hear the end of the sentence, feeling her body go limps in Emma’s arms her sight turned black and her mind went blank.


	3. Something more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina wants to get out of the hospital and bumps into a red leather jacket

As Regina started to come to she first noticed the searing pain in her head, pulsating behind her eyes and in the back of her skull. Squeezing her eyes shut she groaned audibly. 

“Mom.” Her eyes shot open, not having been ready for the sudden voice beside her. Eyes frantically scanned her surroundings, squinting as blinding light met her vision. White walls and cheap bedding met her frantic eyes. A strong hospital smell forced its way into her nose, everything feeling very overwhelming.

“Hey, hey, Mom it’s okay. It’s just me.” The sight of her son soon filled her vision. Henry took her pale hand and gave it a little squeeze. 

“Henry.” As soon as the name left her lips Regina frowned at how uncomfortably dry her mouth was. Questions of why they were at the hospital and why he was there were put on hold as Regina asked for some water. 

Downing half of the cup given to her the brunette made herself ready to speak, but her mouth still felt as dry as sandpaper.

Cutting her to the chase Hendy spoke first. “How much do you remember?” The words were quiet and as if he was treading lightly, not wanting to overwhelm her. Regina furrowed her brow, trying to remember what her last memory was. Confusion spread across Regina’s face. “I- I don’t know.” Averting her gaze for a moment, needing to look at something other than her son’s anxiety-ridden eyes. Her gaze soon fixed on the tube in her arm that she hadn’t noticed before. Her eyes trailed the little contraption, then the thin pipe connected to it, all the way up to the plastic bag hanging over her head. Regina’s eyes stayed there for a moment until she heard Henry shifting beside her. Her gaze returned to the needle as a possible last memory made it’s way to the front of her mind. “It might've been Emma…” Her voice trailing off as she tried to focus on the foggy memory. A flash of the previous vision danced just out of reach. “Was Emma there?” She was now looking at Henry, wanting to know if what she had recalled was just a trick of her imagination. 

“Emma was there. She was the one who found you.” This confirmation stirred something inside Regina. Mixtures of despair and panic welled up from her stomach, nesting itself in her throat. That feeling would haunt her over the days to come. The welled up every time Emma’s name popped into her head. Emma had seen her, in that state. She had been there. Regina pushed away the train of thought as soon as it had entered her mind, swallowing hard to get rid of the lump that was restricting her airway. 

Before any more questions could be answered Doctor Whale rapped on the wooden door leading to her room. 

~~~~

She was stuck here. At least for the next week or so, but still. She had loudly objected staying in the hospital to both Doctor Whale and Henry but her words fell on deaf ears. They had made up their minds long before her first protest was uttered.   
Apparently after being found twice, drunk out of her mind, once reaching hypothermia in a cellar and another nearly drinking herself to death in her living room was considered “a form of self-harm and addiction” with “possible suicidal undertones caused by depression and insomnia” to quote Doctor Whales reports that Regina had taken a peek at without his knowledge. She had put the papers down with haste after reading those sentences, not wanting to think about their heavy meanings. Doctor Whale had later on the first day proposed that she be moved to psych. The proposition was shut down as soon as it reached Regina's ears. She did have to promise to not leave which she had reluctantly said she wouldn’t do

Already the next day Regina had a session with Doctor Hopper, escorted to his office by Mary Margeret who was almost as frequent of a visitor as her own son. 

At the end of the forty-five minutes she spent in his coffee-coloured office she had been prescribed a new antidepressant and a stronger sleeping pill. 

“Since the last ones didn’t work.” He said with almost an apologetic smile. “Hopefully these will make a bit of a difference.” 

Regina left his office, not with a new dose of hope but rather a craving for a drink. 

~~~~

Being stuck in the hospital was not ideal. The whole town knew by now that their Mayor was hospitalized. Mary Margeret had reluctantly told her about the whispers in the street and hushed conversations at Granny’s. She had tried her best to downplay the whole thing but it was no use.   
Yes everyone knew and Regina hated herself even more as the thought snaked its way into the front of her thoughts. 

On the fourth day of admission, she had tried to leave, the cold white walls felling suffocating and intrusive. Her chance at least a couple of minutes of freedom came when Henry had gone down to the cafeteria to find himself a chocolate bar or some almonds.

Seizing the opportunity she arose from the hospital bed, cold feet met even colder floors. She had no time to think about shoes or a sweater as Regina hastily peered down the corridor. She wasn’t supposed to leave the floor in which her room was located, and definitely not alone. She had yearned for a stroll outside, without anyone bothering her. Oh, how she missed being by herself. They were worried, she understood that. She understood why they checked up on her daily but Regina could not take it anymore. 

Sneaking down the corridors and avoiding nurses at every turn proved itself more difficult than expected. As she found an open door a sigh of relief left her lungs. Pushing open the heavy metal door she was met with thick bushes on either side of a small concrete passageway leading to a road stretching from one corner of the hospital to another. Looking to her left the door was situated only a few meters from the main entrance. Regina quickly turned to walk the other way wanting to avoid anyone seeing her. 

Clad in a T-shirt, sweatpants and no shoes Regina was thankful that the spring afternoon was a warm one. 

High on the thrill of sneaking out as if she was a teenager again, Regina did not think about what her empty room would look like to her son who had arrived back from the vending machine on the other side of the building just a moment after she had caught her first whiff of fresh air. The repercussions of her secret stroll were far from her mind as she was rounding the corner. 

Her body suddenly slammed into another. Regina shot a hand out to steady herself against the brick wall. As she looked up at the person now standing stiffly to her left her heart stopped. Long blond hair framed Emma’s startled face. Regina’s own expression must've been sporting the same look. 

“Regina..” Emma was the first to speak but her voice gave way after only one word. 

“What are you doing here?” The sentence sounded standoff-ish and breathless. Regina cursed herself for being so flustered, the only thing making her feel less dreadful was the fact that Emma looked as flushed as she felt. 

Emma straightened out her red leather jacket, shifting her weight from one foot to another. “I’m eh- I’m here to see you actually.” Before Regina could say anything Emma jumped in. “And I know I should’ve come sooner, I admit that but Regina it was hard- it was hard seeing you like that and I just needed a few days to process.” The sentence was almost hurled Regina’s way. She didn’t know what to say. Regina stood before Emma, opening and closing her mouth again. She knew she had to say something, anything. The blonde was now backing away slowly. “I shouldn't have come. You’re not ready-” 

Panicked, not wanting Emma to leave, not wanting her to feel like Regina blames her in any way for taking her time. She wants to apologize, wants to make sure that Emma knows that she has done nothing wrong, nothing at all. That it is all her fault, Regina’s fault not hers. 

Regina wants to tell her all of that but quickly realizes that it would be impossible to say all that all at once. Instead, she takes two big strides forward and throws her arms around Emma's neck. She can feel the blondes hesitation but it only takes a few seconds before strong arms wrap themselves around her waist. Emma buries her face in Regina’s neck, letting a sigh leave her lungs. 

Tears started to well up in Regina’s deep brown eyes. Teardrops made their way down her rosy cheeks, staining the sleeve of her shirt. Regina was ready for Emma to push her away in disgust. She’d never cried in front of her before. She’d never cried in front of anyone before.   
Emma however only held on tighter, the thought of letting go not even crossing her mind. 

Minutes went by where the only sound that could be heard from the two where Regina’s heavy sobs and jagged breathing. She was barely supporting her own weight at this point, fully collapsed into Emma's tight embrace. 

They only separated as Regina’s cries calmed. Emma looked upon the brunette's face, snot running down her top lip, puffy cheeks and red swollen eyes and Emma was overwhelmed by a strong urge to embrace the woman again, to pick her up and carry her to a happy place. Emma wanted to protect her, to make her feel safe. 

The blonde cupped Regina’s cheeks, wiping away the tears still streaming down her face. She wanted to kiss her. That feeling wasn’t new, oh no it had been there for a while, but this need to kiss her friend now was so strong, so powerful that Emma felt like her chest was going to explode. She wanted to kiss away the sadness, transfer it to herself if needs be. 

“I thought you wouldn't want to see me again. Ever.” Regina hiccuped between words, also trying desperately to wipe away the snot nested under her nose. “I thought I’d fucked it all up. That- that you hated me” Fresh tears once again coated Regina’s face. 

The brunettes gaze fell, head tilting down in shame. Or maybe guilt. It’s hard to tell. 

Emma quickly tilted her chin up, wanting to see her rust-coloured eyes. Emma wanted her to see that what she said next was true. That she meant it with all her heart. 

“Nothing you can say or do can make me hate you. I am incapable of hating you.” 

Leaning forward Emma once again engulfed Regina in her arms, placing one hand on her upper back, another on the back of her head, holding so that Regina's cheek was pressed against her shoulder. 

“Moms!!!” A loud shout came from behind Regina. They quickly separated seeing Henry run towards them. He slammed into Regina, holding her tightly. 

Holding each of her shoulders in a tight grip he spoke in a manner that was supposed to be calm but came out as breathy. “You can’t just leave like that! You said you wouldn’t remember??” 

She had worried him. Regina’s gaze once again fell to the ground, focusing on her bare feet on the concrete. 

“Let’s go inside. Everyone’s been looking for you.” As Henry took a firm grip on his mother’s hand Regina could feel a comforting hand being placed on her back. Turning her head she was met with a gentle smile and green eyes filled with nothing but kindness. 

Regina hesitated, then took Emma’s hand in hers as she was pulled towards the entrance.

Their hands were intertwined all the way up to her room. The place that had felt suffocating only moments ago was now not so heavy much thanks to the presence of the woman with the blond hair and a red leather jacket.


	4. In the Light of the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tear formed in Regina’s brown eyes. Then another, and another. She wanted to be held, but at the same time, she wanted to hold Emma.

Returning to the hospital Regina and Emma were met by a security guard who’d most likely been notified of her ‘disapearence’ if the stern look he gave her was any indication. He looked at first Regina, then Emma and asked them to walk to her room. The guard walked inches behind the brunette, ready to grab her if she tried to run. But Regina did not feel like running, not anymore. Emma’s presence lifted a certain weight off her shoulders. At the moment it was the weight of seeing her son again. She could only imagine the fear he must’ve felt at the sight of an empty hospital room. Guilt flooded Regina’s stomach as Henry spotted his two moms at the end of the corridor. 

“Mom you can’t do stuff like that! Just walk off. What were you thinking?!” Anger and anxiety radiated off her son's body. Nevertheless, he hugged her, squeezing a bit tighter than necessary but a hug it was. 

“I’m sorry Henry, I really am.” She sighed as he loosened his grip. “I wasn’t thinking.” 

~~~~

After that incident, Henry refused to leave his mothers' side unless someone else would be there to take over. At night he would wake every couple of hours just to see if the brunette was still there, lying beside him. 

He did not tell her about this when she asked how he had slept the night before. He said he slept fine.   
She only knew this because in all the time she had spent in the hospital the sleeping pills they had given her had not made much of a difference. Regina slept very little and uneasily, only pretending to sleep when she felt her son stir. She, just like Henry, did not mention this to anyone. 

By the time Regina was discharged, she could see the toll the hospital stay had taken on her boy. Before they left Doctor Whale had had a meeting with Regina, calling in Henry and Emma before they were allowed to leave.   
As they carried the bags of dirty clothes and toiletries out to Emma’s yellow Beetle Henry yawned and rubbed his eyes repeatedly. Placing the small bag into the trunk Emma eyed his with a furrowed brow.

“You okey kid? You look exhausted.” Henry immediately attempted to put on an easygoing smile but failed as his droopy eyelids gave him away. 

“I’m fine Ma, just tired.” Regina also moved forward, examining her sons face. She knew exactly the source of his exhausted features. It was because of her. But before she could say something a chuckle erupted from her right. 

“Yeah not shit” Regina’s attention was whisked away from Henry and landed on the woman beside her. 

“Emma no swearing” Her voice was supposed to be stern but came out as a giggle as a cheeky smile danced over the blondes features making Regina's stomach make a twirl. 

Not the time. Not the place. Regina returned her attention to Henry. 

“I’ve been thinking,” trying to rush her words just a bit so she wouldn’t be interrupted by the protests she knew was coming “that it would be good for you if you slept at your grandparents tonight. Get a good nights sleep you know.” 

Henry’s eyes shot wide open, his features confused. “No! I can’t do that. Who's going to be with you?” 

Regina didn’t have time to answer him before Emma chimed in. “I can do it, if you don’t mind I mean.” Emma looked like she didn’t even know she was going to speak until the words had left her mouth. 

There’s that flutter again. Not the time. 

The Mayor smiled reassuringly at Emma, then at Henry. “Yes, Emma will stay with me. How does that sound?” 

“Okay, okay but you have to remember what you have to do. You remember right?” Henry looked up at Emma, his tone serious. 

“I remember Henry I promise.” 

~~~~

As Regina opened the front door to the Mayor's mansion dread filled her chest. She froze in the doorway. Awful dread whose aftertaste tasted scotch, or maybe vodka. She craved it, even now she craved it. She hated how much she wanted it.   
A gentle hand awoke her from her spiral. 

“It’s okay, Regina. You’ll get through this.” Emma’s features were as calm and gentle as her hand. She smiled down at Regina and the brunette wanted to nuzzle her cheek upon the hand on her shoulder. But the hand disappeared so Regina looked away from the Sherrif and stared towards the hallway. 

As she stepped inside she could smell the faint smell of various cleaning products. “Where’s everything? I left this house a mess?” 

“It’s been cleaned a few days ago, all the bottles are thrown away.” Emma answered shortly. 

Regina slowly moved into the kitchen, looking around at the tidy counters. She slowly moved over to the living room. Her eyes fixed on the carpet, the spot by the fireplace. It’s been washed. There’s no indication of what happened there. Regina quickly looks away, suddenly feeling quite sick to her stomach. 

Emma jogs down the stair. “That actually reminds me, I need the key to the wine cellar.” Regina doesn’t look at her. She wants to say no. Wants to refuse. But she doesn’t. She sighs and complies. “It’s on the big keychain in that draw.” She points and Emma walks towards the kitchen, opening the drawer and pulling out a dozen keys. “It’s the rose gold one.” Regina mumbles into her chest. 

“Thank you, Regina.” Emma pauses for a bit, watching Regina. When she realizes that the brunette won’t look at her she dissapears in the direction of the basement. 

~~~~

“I can sleep on the floor if you’d like.” Emma suggests with a bit of awkwardness in her voice. They’ve both changed into pyjamas, brushed their teeth and now they stood looking down at the Queen sized bed before them. 

“I’m guessing Henry strictly told you to sleep in the same room as me?” Regina tried to ask as casually as she can while her heart is doing THAt thing again. 

“Yeah, that was one of the things I had to remember.” 

“Right, well there’s no need for you to sleep on the floor. The bed is big enough for both of us.” 

So Emma took the left side while Regina took the right. As the brunette turned off the bedside lamp none of them moved. They lay on either side of the big bed listening to each others breathing, thoughts running wild. 

“You- you really scared me you know?” A small voice punched through the darkness, catching Regina off guard. They both lay absolutely still but Regina could hear that the blonde’s breathing had changed. “Finding you there on the floor was seriously the scariest shit I’ve ever-” Her voice failed her. 

At first, she was scared of moving, thinking it might scare Emma. But after a short deliberation process, Regina’s hand made its way through the sheets until she felt Emma’s warm fingers wrap themselves around her own. 

“I’m sorry.” Regina hoped she sounded as sincere as she felt. She squeezed Emma's hand as she heard a quiet sob. 

“No, it’s not your fault. You were- you are an addict, Regina. It’s not your fault.” 

A tear formed in Regina’s brown eyes. Then another, and another. She wanted to be held, but at the same time, she wanted to hold Emma. 

Through the darkness came first a sniffle, then an even lower whisper. “When the ambulance came, you- you weren’t breathing. I thought I’d lost you-” Emma was now fighting to get the words out. “I thought you were dead.” Regina could hear Emma move her hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her sobs. 

Regina moved close to the brunette. Taking one hand she put it on the blonds cheek, feeling Emma’s hair with her fingertips. “I’m here now. You haven’t lost me, I promise.” 

Emma spoke again, louder now, pleading. “Can-can I hold you, please? I need to hold you- to feel you.” The words were spoken in between sobs and uneven breathing but Regina understood without difficulty. 

The shorter woman immediately moved closer to the blonde, nuzzling her head in the crook of the other woman's neck. 

In an instant, Emma’s muscular arms were wrapped around Regina’s back, pulling her closer. The brunette cried against Emma’s pyjama-clad chest as Emma’s tears landed on her pillow, her nose nuzzled into the top of Regina’s head. They fit perfectly.

Emma’s grip did not loosen. Not for a while at least. But after a time, they both drifted off to sleep, never leaving each other's embrace. 

Secure in Emma’s arms, Regina slept the best she had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter wyooommm 
> 
> Thanks to all of those who read and commented and all that you guys are the real MVPs 
> 
> oki byeeeee


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